Cincinnati, FL – Dissociated Press
Ohio University of Miami announced yesterday that it has been awarded a 100 billion dollar grant from the US Department of Education to found a new program in Profligacy Studies. The grant will allow the university to hire at least 500 new, grossly overpaid Professors of Profligacy. The program expects to attract tens of thousands of students who will spend millions of dollars each in hopes of earning extravagantly worthless faux-sheepskin documents attesting to their mastery of the art and science of Profligacy.
“I wish I could say that this program will be worth every penny spent on it,” enthused OUM Dean Quincey Adams Wagstaff. “But since that would contradict the core mission of the program, and what’s more, it wouldn’t be true, I think I had better just keep my mouth shut.”
OUM’s Diversity-Inclusion-Equity Office welcomed the news: “Profligate people represent one of the most oppressed, marginalized, and underrepresented identities. Yet they receive little recognition, and vastly less largesse than they expect and deserve. We are pleased that the Department of Education has finally seen fit to offer them a small portion of the lavish sums to which they feel themselves entitled.”
Wagstaff said that the program would, according to projections, be immensely popular. “Profligacy Studies programs are well-positioned to capitalize on the increasing number of students interested in wasting parents’ and taxpayers’ money,” he explained. “Students often develop natural expertise in the discipline simply by skipping classes and partying like there’s no tomorrow. That kind of natural aptitude, alongside the skills they will learn as Profligacy majors, will serve students well after they leave the University. With Artificial Intelligence poised to do all the work and hand out lavish UBI benefits, the Profligacy sector is projected to continue growing exponentially into the foreseeable future.”
A US Department of Education spokesperson said that OUM’s grant was merely one of thousands of hundred-billion dollar awards that it was handing out to Profligacy programs across the United States. “This nation was founded on profligacy. Our core mission as Americans is to throw our money away on frivolous pursuits and purchases like shiny new cars, fancy appliances, processed food, big ugly houses, the most expensive medical care in the world, boring and predictable vacations, a bloated and mostly-useless military, and other stuff than we don’t really need. That’s why wasting oodles of the taxpayers’ money on Profligacy Studies programs is the patriotic thing to do.”
OUM’s Comptroller’s Office, which scrutinizes the University’s budget for waste and fraud, was closed for lack of funding and could not be reached for comment.